my dearest readers,

I can't think of anything poetic. that's kinda how I've been this whole semester. this is an apology to all of you; I'm sorry I haven't taken the time to get to know you through your writing and choice of gifs. I'm sorry I haven't commented a lot. I'm sorry I haven't cared about my blog. there are so many ideas in my head, but when it comes to writing them down, I choke. most of my posts are written at 11:30 on Sunday nights because even though I've been brainstorming all week, ive come up with nothing. I haven't been proud of my writing, which I'm also sorry about. I know I could be doing better work, but my mind is so clouded and I can't silence my brain enough to put together sentences. maybe I'm not trying hard enough to put sentences together. I have amazing ideas for poems and then I forget or mess up the verse before I can write it down. I am so forgetful. you see, the blue moon has been crowding my thoughts and it's not letting anything else through. the blue moon should give me inspiration and the emotion to write a good poem. I don't know. I'm just sorry that I didn't try as hard as I could have. and I'm sorry that the moon won't let me move on. 

also I'm writing this on my phone which sometimes makes the font and size different, and I'm not here for that. sorry if your aesthetic experience suffers

holding hands; [typed on the spot when nothing else sounded right]

if i've ever seen you holding hands through the halls of high school, i've probably made great fun of you.

i'm sorry.

i've never liked holding hands.

i don't like seeing it, i don't like hearing/touching/smelling/tasting hand holding.

for a couple of months i like holding hands

but i must have been blinded with infatuation, because he drove a stick shift.

when i'm with a boy and i'm in the car, or watching a movie, etc.,  i hide my hands on my phone or between my legs or i hold my own hand.

high school hands are clammy or freezing or way too hot

sometimes hands smell weird, and i don't even want to know why,

so just keep them the * away from me.

-

once upon a time there sat a girl (me) in the middle of two siblings (not my siblings, but they were each others siblings) (i'm sorry if you're still reading this post)

we were watching a movie on a futon in my house

i asked my dad if i could rent a movie for $2.99 on OnDemand and

he said yes

so there we sat, watching a movie

i wanted to watch this movie because i wanted to show it to the boy sitting next to me. (his sister had already seen it, so i assume she was just there for the free popcorn)

i sat with my knees to my chest,

my arms folded

my shoulder touching the shoulder of the boy sitting next to me

the movie was rated PG-13. it was lovely.

there was a point during the film in which me and the boy sitting next to me covered each other's eyes, blaming it on the film being "bad," but i think maybe we just wanted to be touching each other's eyelids. 

because something about that made our heart's beat louder.

the film continued

i continued to laugh

as did the boy sitting next to me

Patrick and Charlie were yelling

they were on the hill in the middle of the night

and they were yelling and kissing and being confused and complicated and teenager to each other

and the boy sitting next to me grabbed my hand. 

he grabbed my hand and held it.

i looked to my left where he sat

but he didn't look back at me

he continued to watch

i've always hated holding hands

but for the first time since the blue moon broke my heart,

butterflies put my heart back together.

perfect symphony, we are a

a metronome in my chest
back and forth
back and forth
nose to nose
the tempo soars into the stars
hand in hand
the calm but inconsistent pulse
like a drum just off beat
pausing every time your hand squeezes mine
face to face
the metronome quickens
lip to lip
and the ticking stops
-
i breathe in as you breathe out
fitting together like a string to its bow
your hands the crescendo as the strings start to tune
mine the applause opening the show
our matching heart beats create a simple harmony
until your lips find mine
and the ticking stops

the god you've created

To thine own self be true

Romeo and Juliet

Be true like the wine and bread

True to yourself,

But only if it's true to his God

To thine own self;

Be true to Him

Worship Him as a god

Be true to thine own self, if a woman loves a man

For if a Montague and a Capulet love each other then so be it

Let it be written as an epic love story.

For if a woman and another love each other,

She and she be damned.

Be true to thine leader

Not to thine own self

Deny thyself if you are a boy longing for another

A man longing for a man

Deny thyself if doubts arise

Silence your curiosity

To thine own self be true

But only if He approves