holding hands; [typed on the spot when nothing else sounded right]

if i've ever seen you holding hands through the halls of high school, i've probably made great fun of you.

i'm sorry.

i've never liked holding hands.

i don't like seeing it, i don't like hearing/touching/smelling/tasting hand holding.

for a couple of months i like holding hands

but i must have been blinded with infatuation, because he drove a stick shift.

when i'm with a boy and i'm in the car, or watching a movie, etc.,  i hide my hands on my phone or between my legs or i hold my own hand.

high school hands are clammy or freezing or way too hot

sometimes hands smell weird, and i don't even want to know why,

so just keep them the * away from me.

-

once upon a time there sat a girl (me) in the middle of two siblings (not my siblings, but they were each others siblings) (i'm sorry if you're still reading this post)

we were watching a movie on a futon in my house

i asked my dad if i could rent a movie for $2.99 on OnDemand and

he said yes

so there we sat, watching a movie

i wanted to watch this movie because i wanted to show it to the boy sitting next to me. (his sister had already seen it, so i assume she was just there for the free popcorn)

i sat with my knees to my chest,

my arms folded

my shoulder touching the shoulder of the boy sitting next to me

the movie was rated PG-13. it was lovely.

there was a point during the film in which me and the boy sitting next to me covered each other's eyes, blaming it on the film being "bad," but i think maybe we just wanted to be touching each other's eyelids. 

because something about that made our heart's beat louder.

the film continued

i continued to laugh

as did the boy sitting next to me

Patrick and Charlie were yelling

they were on the hill in the middle of the night

and they were yelling and kissing and being confused and complicated and teenager to each other

and the boy sitting next to me grabbed my hand. 

he grabbed my hand and held it.

i looked to my left where he sat

but he didn't look back at me

he continued to watch

i've always hated holding hands

but for the first time since the blue moon broke my heart,

butterflies put my heart back together.