my dearest readers,

I can't think of anything poetic. that's kinda how I've been this whole semester. this is an apology to all of you; I'm sorry I haven't taken the time to get to know you through your writing and choice of gifs. I'm sorry I haven't commented a lot. I'm sorry I haven't cared about my blog. there are so many ideas in my head, but when it comes to writing them down, I choke. most of my posts are written at 11:30 on Sunday nights because even though I've been brainstorming all week, ive come up with nothing. I haven't been proud of my writing, which I'm also sorry about. I know I could be doing better work, but my mind is so clouded and I can't silence my brain enough to put together sentences. maybe I'm not trying hard enough to put sentences together. I have amazing ideas for poems and then I forget or mess up the verse before I can write it down. I am so forgetful. you see, the blue moon has been crowding my thoughts and it's not letting anything else through. the blue moon should give me inspiration and the emotion to write a good poem. I don't know. I'm just sorry that I didn't try as hard as I could have. and I'm sorry that the moon won't let me move on. 

also I'm writing this on my phone which sometimes makes the font and size different, and I'm not here for that. sorry if your aesthetic experience suffers

wins and losses i.e. opposites

yes there's hot and cold and yes and no and in and out and up and down. yes there is black and white, and darkness and light. but what about me and you and your family too? what about exes and oh's, your house and my home? there's pause and play, straight and gay, slam poems and the poetic crap that rhymes. what about He and him? and he and Him? there's living and dead. there's hungry and fed. there's happy and sad, and ur mom and ur dad. there's love and hate, and I'm on time and you're running late. day and night, the ground and the sky. Gravity and flight, I'm wrong and you're right. but what about me and you? are we considered opposites too?

fear

the rain never wanted to cry in front of the sun. that's why the rain left. the rain left and as soon as it was gone it poured. the rain always loved the sun. the rain loved the sun like its brother. the rain longed for the sun to come save the rain.

to stop the rain from falling.


because the rain was never falling in love.





it was only falling down.

the rain admired the condensation.
the rain admired the sun but the rain never wanted to be kissed by the precipitation.
the rain only wanted to be held in the evaporation. 

HTTP//: WWW. PLEASE PROVE YOU'RE NOT A ROBOT .COM .ORG .NET .EDU

ROBOT LIES//:ERROR504

HUMAN LIES//:
YOU LOOK GREAT TODAY
YOU SMELL GOOD
NO IT DOESN'T HURT
NO IT'S FINE
I'M FINE, THANKS
IT TASTES GREAT
I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU
IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME
I LOVE IT HERE
YOU'RE FINE
I WASN'T OFFENDED
IT DIDN'T PHASE ME
I'M NOT SCARED
NO THANK YOU
NO, I'M NOT HUNGRY
I'M NOT AFRAID OF THE DARK
NO, I COULDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU GUYS WERE TALKING ABOUT
I'M OVER IT
I DON'T THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE
NO, IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME IF YOU ASK
I'M TRYING
SHE SAID NO
MY HOMEWORK IS DONE
I DON'T GET SCARED EASILY
I COULD BEAT YOU UP
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YEAH I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS
OH I'VE DEFINITELY HEARD THAT BAND
I HATE THEM
I LOVE YOU
IT'S ALL GOOD
I SLEPT GREAT
I'M EXCITED
I DON'T KNOW
I CAN'T REMEMBER
I ALREADY SENT IT
I'M ON MY WAY
I'M IN COLLEGE
I GOT A 31 ON MY ACT
ETC
ETC
ETC
ETC
ETC

excerpts from past journals regarding my mother

DISCLAIMER
THESE ENTRIES ARE ALL COPIED EXACTLY AS THEY ARE IN MY JOURNAL. I WAS A LIAR WHEN I WAS A CHILD, SO SOME OF MY STORIES MIGHT BE INCORRECT. I HAVE THE BEST MOTHER ON THE PLANET.
'04 I Love you mom you or the best

'04 I Fil like I love Dad more then Mommy. rile it fils like it is tro

'04 I WIL NOT LIE to Moroe and evere Day to Mom

Nov '04 to-day was the worst day of my life. I lide.

10/7/05 I just told mom frst grayd is so boring! dot you thingk so!

10/12/05 I LOVE MY MOM!

10/15/05 I love my famy!

'05 Mom looks like a qkween

3/6/06 today is the day be for mom's birthday! I got hre irings.

3/7/06 Today is moms B-day! We had cake and ice ceam. it was fun.

3/12/06 I love Dad Mom so so so so so so so so so so going on forevr much. I cant wat for the kids to be maryd and have kid's. How wundrful will that be! I am so exidid but be sum yares entel that hapins

5/10/06 I'm sitting next to mom on the plane! the vyoo is so cool and butiful. I cant wate.

11/6/06 Im thakefl for my mom

'06 I hate my family

2/25/07 I am almost 8! I'll be babtized. Im takeing my dress back. It's Mom's fav but my least fav

10/7/07 right now i am thingking abot when i am a mom and I'm reading this to my kid's. I love you who ever you are

10/28/07 Today Mom said i was the bigest inberisment in her life. then I couldent belive what i said: so she said you are going to be in your room entell we go to grandmas and then i said good 'cause i don't want to be around you. I acted like i was three.

'07 I love Mom! She is so so RAD!!!

'07 Mom, I love you so so so much!! Your the BEST!! Im sorry I not staying focased but than agin I'm sorry for not letting you sleep!

1/26/08 Dear Diarie, today is the day mom brought my baby sister home from the hospital!

11/19/08 age 9. I got sent to bed early because talking back to my mom. I said your sure nice mom. I was acting really sarcastic

3/5/09 Moms b-day is on saturday! Life is crazy! I think I'll get her either a purse, or jewelry or something! (idk) 2marrow we are going to go shopping

11/23/09 today we went to get christmas ornaments. I droped mine. Me and Mom tried to fix it with super glue, tacky glue, and hot glue. it worked (thankfully!)

1/10/10 Well mom has decided on a new tradition & every sunday we will wright about our week.

9/8/10 Moms gonna shave her head. I cant believe it.

11/1/10 Mom and dad just got back from ATL. they were gone forever it seemed. I'm so happy they are back!

'11 I have an awesome little Mom! Shes the best! always know that. I love my Mom.

12/3/13 I want to be a therapist or an English teacher but i mostly want to be a famous actress. or musician. so i can buy my parents a house

9/8/14 my Mom is my best friend.

9/14/14 today Mom & dad got back from one of their weekend getaways & it was kind of a bad time to go. Im stressed about school & other things & then i had a weekend where all i could do was babysit or cook or clean. i dont know how mom does it

1/3/15 me and mom went to see into the woods. i love my mom.

2/9/15 Mom told us to write things we've been praying for. Ive been praying for her and her kids.

3/3/15 me and moms relationship is the best, im so lucky to have the mother i have.

'15 me and mom started to practice driving, and shes a shotgun freakshow

6/22/15 my mom thinks i stay home because i dont want social interaction, but shes wrong. its just that no one wants to interact with me. her and dad are always asking me whats wrong and i wish that theyd stop. im being honest when i tell them that im tired

6/23/15 i just heard mom call to me, but shes inside and im outside so its a good excuse to not hear what she said. i do that a lot. i have better hearing than everybody thinks.

June '15 moms summer schedule has been made and already put into action.

June '15 Mom tries to make me feel better by offering to pay for the time i spend babysitting or being with my sister, but i dont want money. i mostly want someone to care enough about me that i dont end up babysitting every friday and saturday night. i know my family loves me and im so grateful to know that. but i wonder what it would feel like to have someone text me often to ask how i am, or if i want to go climb trees in the park.

9/15/15 ive been pretty depressed lately. ive been trying to hide it because i dont want to make mom and dad sad. they havent done anything to cause it and cant do anything to help it, so as long as it doesnt get too serious, i'll keep it to myself.

9/6/15 today was terrible. i wanted to tell mum and dad what happened, but i couldnt

9/21/15 i think mom said it best, "hes a douche."

10/13/15 Mom went upstairs crying, and i knew it was because of me.

10/13/15 moms love was present and it was strong

10/14/15 today a lady from family services called to ask mom some questions about what happened to me in july.

10/22/15 I fell asleep waiting for my date, and so mom had me chug a coke as he was walking to the door.

 love you mom. love, stella luna.

bricks

it was called the longest cemetery in the world

millions of people died building the Great Wall China

the unemployed worked on the Wall,
poor farmers,
peasants,
they sent the convicts to the Wall

archaeologists found human remains buried under the Wall

the Chinese invented wheelbarrows and gunpowder,
the bricks were bound by rice flour.

the Wall is the longest manmade structure in the world, but
the Mongols had no problem getting through the Wall

millions lost their lives building this Wall,
and the Wall was discontinuous

the Mongols conquered northern China for twelve years
because the wall was discontinuous

people say that you can see the Great Wall from space,
like you can see the ocean,
and the copper mine

it's a myth

the naked eye cannot see the Great Wall of China
even from space.

during the Chinese cultural revolution, the Great Wall was seen as a sign of despotism;
[absolute power or control; tyranny]
the mothers and fathers sent their sons and their daughters to steal bricks from the Wall

the bricks bound by rice flour

the sons and the daughters took the bricks bound by rice flour for their farms or their houses

took bricks from the longest cemetery in the world

and now 50,000,000 humans walk on the graves of those killed by building their own coffin

with bricks bound by rice flour
millions of hours
only to be conquered
the discontinuity was reason for falter

holding hands; [typed on the spot when nothing else sounded right]

if i've ever seen you holding hands through the halls of high school, i've probably made great fun of you.

i'm sorry.

i've never liked holding hands.

i don't like seeing it, i don't like hearing/touching/smelling/tasting hand holding.

for a couple of months i like holding hands

but i must have been blinded with infatuation, because he drove a stick shift.

when i'm with a boy and i'm in the car, or watching a movie, etc.,  i hide my hands on my phone or between my legs or i hold my own hand.

high school hands are clammy or freezing or way too hot

sometimes hands smell weird, and i don't even want to know why,

so just keep them the * away from me.

-

once upon a time there sat a girl (me) in the middle of two siblings (not my siblings, but they were each others siblings) (i'm sorry if you're still reading this post)

we were watching a movie on a futon in my house

i asked my dad if i could rent a movie for $2.99 on OnDemand and

he said yes

so there we sat, watching a movie

i wanted to watch this movie because i wanted to show it to the boy sitting next to me. (his sister had already seen it, so i assume she was just there for the free popcorn)

i sat with my knees to my chest,

my arms folded

my shoulder touching the shoulder of the boy sitting next to me

the movie was rated PG-13. it was lovely.

there was a point during the film in which me and the boy sitting next to me covered each other's eyes, blaming it on the film being "bad," but i think maybe we just wanted to be touching each other's eyelids. 

because something about that made our heart's beat louder.

the film continued

i continued to laugh

as did the boy sitting next to me

Patrick and Charlie were yelling

they were on the hill in the middle of the night

and they were yelling and kissing and being confused and complicated and teenager to each other

and the boy sitting next to me grabbed my hand. 

he grabbed my hand and held it.

i looked to my left where he sat

but he didn't look back at me

he continued to watch

i've always hated holding hands

but for the first time since the blue moon broke my heart,

butterflies put my heart back together.